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Shakespeare walks into a bar. The barman says "Get out! You're bard."
A man walkes into a bar and orders a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps. The barman says "Sorry sir, we only have plane."
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here."
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A group of fungi walk into a crowded bar and ordered some drinks. The barman asks them to leave saying "There's not mushroom in here".
A ghost walks into a bar at 11:20pm. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve spirits after 11:00pm."
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A white horse walks into a bar. The barman asks "Why the long face?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of GREEN tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." The barman says "I'll serve you, but your mate's barred - he's a bloody cycle-path!"
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man. Whilst waiting for his drink he spots Vincent Van Gogh sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and asks "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies. "Do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. Whilst drinking his beer, he heard a soothing voice say "that's a nice tie". Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the barman at the other end of the bar. A few sips later the same voice says "what a beautiful shirt". A few more minutes pass by and he hears "and your suit is immaculate". At this, he calls to the barman "I must be losing my mind, I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, but there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts ..." explained the barman "... they're complimentary."
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.
I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of wine. He's a Bordeaux Collie.
IKEA are to start sponsoring schools. There won't be many lessons though, because most of the time will be spent in assembly.
Police have finally caught a thief who has regularly been stealing from a twine factory. He was charged with a string of offences.
Did you hear about the paranoid German sausage maker? He feared the wurst.
I'm not normally scared of spiders unless they're wearing a raincoat, then I'm terrified. I've got anoraknophobia.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
Just been playing scrabble with Midge Ure. I've got four letters left OVNR. It means nothing to me.
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I once visited Barry Gibb's house and thought I heard two onions having a conversation in the fridge, but when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two police officers came to my door and started asking strange questions: "Are you familiar with the letters HA?", "or QE?", "How about RG?" I said "Just wait a minute, am I a suspect or something?" They replied "No, these are just initial enquiries."
Cadbury have just donated a giant chocolate bar to the Bank of England. A statement has been released which says it's a massive Boost for the economy.
Archeologists have found an Egyptian tomb covered in chocolate inside a gold wrapper. They believe it's Pharaoh Rocher.
A man went to a fancy dress party with a girl on his back. The host asked "What are you supposed to be?" "I'm a snail" replied the man. "But you have a girl on your back" said the host. "Yes" the man replied "That's Michelle."
Explorer Leif Ericson returned from his voyage to the new world only to find that his name had been removed from the town register. He complained at the town meeting, viewing it as a slight. The town official immediately apologized, saying he must have taken Leif off his census.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Walking through the jungle, I spotted a lizard standing on its hind legs and telling jokes. I turned to a local tribesman and said "That lizard's really funny". He replied "That's not a lizard. It's a stand up chameleon."
One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza. "Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"? "Yes please," replied the King, "same as always - deep pan, crisp and even."
This morning, my car refused to start. Upon opening the bonnet, there sat on the engine was a bat who looked up and said "Good day sir, you're looking well today and very nicely dressed indeed." I immediately spotted the problem. Bat Flattery.
Two explorers are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water. "No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall." So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard." By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly." Hearing this, one of the explorers turns to the other and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by aircraft. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field. His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
wait, not finished yet ...
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother bent down to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked breathlessly. "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
