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Doctor, I've got cricket ball sized protrusions at the back of my mouth
They're just Wisden teeth
Doctor, my hair is falling out, can you give me something for it?
Try this paper bag.
Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck in my ear, can you help me?
Just wait, I've got some cream for that.
Doctor, I keep wanting to cover myself with gold paint.
Don't worry, it's just a gilt complex.
Doctor, I've got some custard in my left ear and jelly in my right ear. What's wrong with me?
You're just a trifle deaf.
Doctor, I've turned into a kleptomaniac.
Have you taken anything for it?
Doctor, I've accidentally swallowed a pillow.
Don't worry, you'll just feel a little down in the mouth.
Doctor, I've broken my arm in three places.
Then don't go to those places.
Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises.
Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a wigwam and a teepee.
Calm down, you're two tents.
Doctor, I just swallowed a pen. What should I do?
Use a pencil.
Doctor, my leg hurts. What should I do?
Limp.
Doctor, I think I need glasses.
You most certainly do! This is a bank.
Doctor, I only seem to get sick from Monday to Friday.
You obviously have a weekend immune system.
Doctor, I got stuck in the chimney yesterday and now I don't feel very well.
Aah, I think you've caught the flue.
Doctor, I think I'm invisible.
Sorry, I can't see you at the moment.
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cricket umpire.
Doctor: Oh, how's that then?
Patient: Not out.
Doctor: You are very unwell.
Patient: Can I have a second opinion?
Doctor: Of course. You're also extremely ugly.
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I always have a wee every morning at 6 o'clock.
Doctor: What's the problem with that?
Patient: I don't get up until 7:30.
Patient: Doctor, I think I've got subjunctivitis.
Doctor: Don't you mean conjunctivitis?
Patient: Would that it were doctor, would that it were.
A bloke goes into the GP surgery, plonks down a piece of luggage containing foul smelling liquid and says (wait for it) .....
Doctor, I've got a case of diarrhoea
